Helping Your Teen Grow in Independence (Part II)

As mentioned in last week’s post, it was suggested that the first place to start in helping a teen gain more independence is to evaluate one’s own parenting style. The parenting style referred to as the authoritative or assertive-democratic style typically is more closely aligned with the parent who wants to gradually release control so the teen becomes a wise decision-maker and can successfully live independently. In this style, the parent provides emotional support to the teen but also sets expectations and guidelines while involving the teen in some decisions when appropriate.

As a mother of three teens (a number of years ago), my son taught me a valuable lesson. I wanted my children to learn to manage their own money. In an attempt to teach these lessons, each teen from 12 to 18 years of age was given the amount of money needed for the month at the beginning of the month. All needs were calculated from lunch money to gas money. Each teen was required to budget their money and spend it wisely. The two girls did a great job and even decided to take their lunches to school and save the extra money. In contrast, my son, who was 16 and had ADHD and executive function deficits, had either spent or given away his money by the end of the first week. What did he teach me? When you have a teen with EF deficits, gradually increase your expectations and ensure you have taught them how to manage money. I wrongly assumed he could do this. He needed a weekly allotment and then as he was successful, the time could be gradually increased.

So, if your goal is that your teen grows in self-discipline, self-regulation, and independence, consider some of the following strategies to help your teen on the road to independence. Accept where your teen is now, and then gradually increase your expectations. Below are a few ideas:

• Assign chores and other household responsibilities. A summer job or a volunteer assignment can also be helpful in preparing a teen for a greater level of independence.
• Teach money management skills. Sit down together and determine what your teen needs on a weekly or monthly basis. Don’t set your expectations too high. You want your teen to experience success early in the process.
• Allow your teen to make mistakes. Young people gain independence when permitted to make mistakes and then learn from them. (Just be sure they aren’t life threatening mistakes, such as driving while drunk.) The value is lost when parents or teachers rush to rescue the teen or “fix” the mistake themselves. When a teen experiences failures or mistakes, he/she is not a failure. John Wooden, former UCLA basketball coach, is reported to have said, “You are not a failure until you start to blame.”
• Allow your teen to experience the consequences of his/her behavior or a failing grade on a test. If a parent continues to fight his/her teen’s battles, the parent is giving the teen the message that he/she is not able to do this for him/herself. This will have a more damaging effect than allowing the teen to experience the consequence of not studying.
• Make some family decisions together in a family meeting. One activity that is helpful is to have a family meeting at least one time per week. So, if you are trying to determine the location for your next vacation, discuss this in the family meeting and allow your children a voice in the decision. Also, a family meeting is helpful in learning to resolve conflicts among family members. This approach teaches a teen how to make wise decisions and to problem solve.

As you can see, helping a teen learn to be independent requires intentional decisions and actions. Often it takes all of us working together to reach this goal. I am interested in hearing from you and learning about your own attempts to teach your teen independence. Feel free to share these ideas with me (jane.hannah@curreyingram.org), and if you are willing, I would like to share these in subsequent blog posts.