As mentioned in last week’s letter in the Upper School newsletter, teenagers in the iGeneration are growing up more slowly than teens in the past. Because of this, parents and teachers must be more intentional about helping teenagers become independent before they go off to college or into the workforce. But, how involved should parents be in their teens’ lives? Does this mean that parents should be helicopter parents?
So, what should a parent do if you feel your teen needs to become more independent? How involved should a parent be? What do you do first? One place to start is to determine your own parenting style that is primarily based on your mindset of how you should parent.
The literature shares three basic parenting styles: permissive (indulgent), authoritarian (dictatorial), and authoritative (assertive-democratic style). What is your primary style and how does it match your teen’s level of independence?
The permissive parent tends to make very few rules and is often inconsistent even when rules are made. This parent may be loving and warm, but allows the teen to be in charge of decision-making and what he/she does. A child raised by a permissive parent is likely to demonstrate poorer performance in school and more problem behaviors. While they may be independent, the teen is not ready for independence in all areas of his/her life. Remember that a person’s executive function is not fully developed until the mid-twenties, so major decisions should still be made by the parent of a teen.
Those who use an authoritarian style of parenting expect their children to obey orders without question. The authoritarian is highly demanding and less responsive to their teen. This style typically gets compliance; however, the authoritarian, no-nonsense approach does little to build independence and resilience in the teen. In addition, the teen typically does not know what to do with independence or decision-making when he/she is not in the parent’s presence. Studies have found that the child/teen who has been controlled by the authoritarian parent typically has greater problems with anxiety, is less likely to make wise decisions when away from the parent, and may have poorer self-regulation and self-discipline skills. This parent often believes he/she is doing the right thing, but the long-term effects are not what they desire.
The third parenting style is referred to as the authoritative or assertive-democratic style. The parent provides emotional support to the teen but also sets expectations and guidelines. When appropriate, the teen is involved in helping to set the rules and guidelines, as well as allowing teens to help with decision-making. With this style, it is more likely that teens will demonstrate more appropriate behavior, feel better about themselves, are able to make wise decisions when away from the parent’s control, and have better peer relations. Often, the teen being raised by the authoritative parent will be more independent and be ready for the world after high school because independence has been gradually emerging as the teen becomes more responsible.
In a presentation to parents and educators, Dr. Dave Verhaagen of Southeast Psych stated that over-involvement by parents can be, at times, unhealthy to a teen’s growth and independence. Often, I think that a parent’s job is to make their teen “marketable.” So, after reviewing these styles, assess where you find yourself as a parent. If your goal is that your teen grows in self-discipline, self-regulation, and independence, consider gradually moving to the more authoritative/assertive-democratic style of parenting.
Next week’s article will contain helpful strategies to help your teen on the road to independence.
